ACE OF HEARTS

ACE OF HEARTS

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There is a young man at a table playing cards.

I've always liked Blackjack, it’s gambling, chance, but it has an element of skill. With roulette you just guess. With poker, if you’re playing with a skilled player…mate, you have no chance. Blackjack has that perfect balance you know? It’s exciting and you don’t need to read peoples ‘tells’ and you’re not just chucking money away. When you get to 14…what do you do? Stick knowing that’s there’s plenty of scores closer to 21, twist and risk blowing it? At 14 you could have a 2 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, ace, 7 cards and still be under. That’s 50% chance you’ll be fine. 50% chance you’ll blow it. But then what if you’re on 18. The chance you’ll blow is much greater…everything becomes tense. You’re already pretty high, a good chance the dealer won’t beat it. Stick or twist? Play safe or push it? Hope you get the ace, 2 or 3. It’s a slim chance, but it’s possible. What about when you’re on 20? I mean at the point the answers obvious. Stick!…or hope for an ace? The illusive ace, at that point the only card to give you a winning hand.

I love the ace. To me, it represents that eternal hope. No matter where you start from, an ace is always a step in the right direction. When you’re below 10, it can give you the massive jump you need. A whopping 11. Or if you’re high it can be small, just the extra helping hand to your destination. The grand 21… I’m ace…I think… no, I know… it’s hard to tell. How do you prove a negative? How do you show evidence for the lack of a thing. It's taken quite a while for me to admit it to myself that I’m ace. It’s sort of like a process of elimination. (Laying out the cards) but when you don’t want to jack off, and you don’t want to be with a king, or a queen, then I guess you’re an ace. A few years ago if someone told me they were ace I would have thought they were great. (gives a thumbs up) ACE!

Now-days, it just opens up hundreds of questions. So you’re asexual…do you mean that in the umbrella term way? The same way people use queer to mean any sexual romantic or gender non-conformity? Are you grey-sexual? Demi? Sex repulsed? Homo or hetero romantic? Personally I like to use the term Ace of Hearts. It means I’m asexual, but I still get crushes. I still fancy people, my ability and desire for romantic love is as ‘normal’ as anyones. It’s just as whereas your relationship involves rolling around under the bed sheets and exploring each others bodies for hours on end (Picks someone in the audience) or for some, minutes, mine have a lot of cosy cuddles watching the latest ITV drama with a tub of ice cream.

To clarify, I’m sex-repulsed asexual panromantic. (Dramatically) WHOOOA, I know how I sound. We have a wokie libtard SJW snowflake in our midst. I repeat, a wokie libtard SJW snowflake is in the building. Hide now or risk being quilted into a coma.  

I don’t use these labels day to day cause people don’t really need to know the minutia of my preferences, but if I had to describe how I feel, why not use these wonderful words. That’s why I like ace, it’s simple, easy. For the uninitiated, it means I like any gender, but the idea of getting jiggy with any gender makes me feel like I’m standing in a big hole full of cold mud. It’s unpleasant, I don’t want to be there and I'd really rather not think about the entire situation.

When I was young it was so confusing. All my friends we coupling up. All desperate to grow up. All trying to reach these adulting milestones on their way to the big 21. I used to think I’d never get there. Guess I’d just have to ‘stick’. Around a 12 or 13. No chance of winning. Just at the age where the sexual beasts rear their heads in the minds of my peers and I’m left there happy playing with lego. Think about it, your first wank, losing your virginity, your first heart break, marriage, kids, so much of our lives are expected to follow a path of sexuality. But what if your desire is about as strong as a desire for a lukewarm cup of over brewed tea. I never really knew what everyone was talking about. I assumed everyone felt the way I did. I assumed this sex business was something people did to each other like a massage. You know how you can get a back rub and it just feels so good but it’s not like you have ‘an urge’. I thought sex was like that. I tried it on myself and came up with nothing. Like, it wasn’t bad…but the thought of someone else doing it just seems …(Pulls a face) You want to know what I get all the time when I tell people I’m ‘not like the other boys’? (Pulls a sad face) ‘aww, that’s sad’…Now I don’t know why pity seems to be peoples go to reaction. Who here doesn’t like marmite? (finds someone in the audience). So you don’t like marmite…do you ever feel bad that you don’t like marmite? Do you ever feel like you’re losing out on the marmite-y pleasures that pro-marmiters experience? Do you feel like there’s a marmite shaped hole in your soul and even though you currently don’t like marmite, one day you will find the right pot of marmite. The perfect size to for fill your barren marmite-less existence? NO! No one does cause that’s stupid.

I just don’t like sex. And I'm happy with that. Because sex isn’t important to me, someones sex isn’t important to me. I’m not gonna go down on them regardless if there have a nice big pot or marmite of a small vag…imite. Sadly, this is where things get difficult. I still want to be loved. Not all aces do, but I do. For so long I thought the sexual desires would come eventually. I thought, if I fancy someone and I want them to be happy then at some point I’d want to show that. I’d want to make them feel good. But it always seems to end badly. I dated guys, girls, but at some point it always became an issue.

(As a selection of partners) “Come on babe, we’ve been dating for months now, why don’t you want it? Do you just not find me attractive? Is it something I said, did, do I smell?

(As himself ) “No babe, it’s not you, I promise, I just don’t want anyone”

(As Partners) “Yeah whatever, frigid, prude, boring, weirdo’

(Clearly upset) Is this sex thing really so important? Should I do it even though I don’t want to? Do I just lay there and let them…do what they want? Is that love? In Blackjack, an ace and a picture card is 21. Perfect, you win. I wish that if I went with a man or woman it was as simple… but the ace is always bigger. 11 to 10. Regardless of the relationship, when there’s only two cards, the ace has to have a bigger effect. When someone plays the ace card in a relationship, it tends to lead to anything than a winning hand.

That’s why I prefer to get to 21 with the smaller numbers. A bunch of smaller numbers, your friends. Where none are more important than the others. Equally valued steps on the way to 21. My friends don’t care who I’m shagging. It’s never an issue and they don’t pressure me. I’ve met someone recently. I was nervous. I’ve tried to date so many times but as soon as the D is off the table they want nothing to do with me. But they seem nice. I don’t normally tell people I’m ace straight away, cause until I know if I even like them, it’s not really relevant and quite frankly I’ve had enough of people telling me I have repressed trauma, or I must have OCD because clearly I have an issue touching other peoples bodies or maybe, just maybe, I haven't met the right person yet.

We met up, it was cliche as fuck. Typical first date stuff. We went to the beach, got some fish and chips and sat on the rocks, chatting and watching the sun set. When it got dark we went to this little tea room. Not once did sex get broached. I found myself feeling relaxed with them. We continued to see each other and each time I felt more certain that I liked them. I was so anxious. As soon as I tell them I’m ace they will lose interest. I told myself that the next time I see them I’ll tell them.

I see them again…but I don’t tell them. This is nice as it is. Maybe I’ll leave it to them. When they bring up sex, then I can tell them….no…that would be cruel, what if they catch feelings for me, they should know what they are getting into. Next time… I promise. On the next date, I’m sure I’ll see something that can help breach the subject. A scantily clad woman in and advert, a film with a sex scene, something…but we go on a hike! Not a tit in sight!

So now we're up a mountain. The trees a blowing gently in the wind with a soft susurration. I’m going through what I’m trying to say in my head. Do I just come out with it?

“Hey, so the idea of having sex with you makes me sick. (holds his mouth)“ No, I need to be more gentle… “So, I’ve like spending time with you, but I’m not like most people…” No, that makes it sound like I’m about to say I have super powers or something. I’m not like most people, I can turn people into spiders! ….no…maybe a little preamble, make them start the conversation. “So, what’s the craziest thing you’ve done?” Those sort of conversations tend to becomes sexual bragging competitions. Yes, that will do, I think, oh I don’t know, maybe…

And then they take my hand. They look into my eyes. They say, “I’ve been trying to find a way to say this, but everything i think of sounds stupid” (Sarcastically to the audience) Can’t relate “I think I like you. You’re the first person who I feel I can be my true self around.” I feel my cheeks flush. “You’re the first person that hasn’t brought up sex, I respect that…” And then the penny drops (he lays another ace card next to the previous) ah bust… (He smiles because of his new partner) oh well…guess I still win.